I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm like, not good at living.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
