i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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