Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
