You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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