just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
