he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
