She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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