Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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