More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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