So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
