some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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