hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
