so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
