So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
