There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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