Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
