woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
