Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
