We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
