I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
