I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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