I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
