I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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