Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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