he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
