if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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