My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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