I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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