I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
