where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
