Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
