Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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