Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
