did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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