y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Randomize
