Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
