I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
