I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
