I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
