I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
