We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
