Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
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apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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