dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You're like the curious george of whores
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
