That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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