There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
