I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
