We won't sleep together?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
