Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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