From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Im part way to drunk.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
