my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
