I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
