she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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