I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Vodka?
Forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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