Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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