Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
