We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
