i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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