if you like me you must not know who I am
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
