Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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