We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
