i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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