God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
